Chapter 1

Observe

• In what relationships do I tend to be focused on blaming others?

relationships with my family. in my work and friendly relationships, i tend to blame myself first when conflicts arise.

• When do I try to change others in order to manage my own anxiety?

in the past, i've tried to change how my parents and brother behave. i don't like how careless they are about their health, their money management, their retirement plans. it happens less often now that i live on the other coast.

• What emotions and physical symptoms do I experience when I’m other-focused?

helplessness, frustration, stress

Evaluate

• How does my focus on others conflict with the person I want to be?

i am not being compassionate when i fault others and expect them to change.

• What might my best self be doing in situations in which I have tended to blame others?

these answers of mine don't feel too sincere right now. i suppose my best self would realize the only thing i have control over is myself, my reactions.

• Is there any wisdom I’d like to remember in these situations?

i'm not sure. that everyone is trying their best and that i should acknowledge that.

Interrupt

• What are upcoming opportunities for me to practice being self-focused?

i find that if i'm alone, it's easier to be self-focused. for the first time in my life, i'm living alone. every day, i'll wake up alone and every day, i'll come home to an empty apartment.

• How can I refrain from focusing on others as a way of managing my anxiety?

outside of my relationship with my family, i don't find myself focusing on others to blame them or to change them. i think i do the opposite. i overthink about how they might blame me for something and assume the worst.

• What people and resources could help me be more self-focused?

i'll probably refer to this book for a while when i hear the mind goblins knock.

Chapter 2

Observe

• When is it difficult to tease apart my thinking and my emotions?

in conflict. it gets worse as the stakes get higher.

• In what relationships is it difficult to differentiate my thinking from the thinking of others?

work and romantic. if the other party is anxious, i feel obligated to adopt that anxiety. it feels that by doing this, i'm expressing that i'm on their side. and if i'm not on their side, i'm against them. this is a behavior i want to unlearn.

• When does my anxiety perceive danger where there is none?

i feel fortunate to be where i am in life. i've fucked up catastrophically many times and somehow i've managed to land on my feet. there's always a thought in the back of my mind that one day everything will come tumbling down. i'm afraid losing my job will be the first domino that topples that rest. up until recently, i also felt this way about losing my partner, but i know better now.

Evaluate

• How does responding to imagined danger negatively affect my life?

there's a lot of self-inflicted fear that causes me to react unnecessarily. and when i react unnecessarily, it causes others to second guess either their behavior or mine. i assume the worst outcome as a defensive mechanism. if i've imagined the worst, then there's no way reality can catch me off guard, right? i think others see me as a very gloomy person.

• What kind of thoughtful responses would I like to have in anxious situations?

i want to stop imagining the worst in response to very minor incidents. at the same time, i want to have enough agency in important conflicts to stand my ground.

• What wisdom would I like to remember when I want to react instead of respond?”

no one is out to get you. you don't have to lean on other peoples' approval.

Interrupt

• How can I sit with the discomfort of not letting my autopilot manage my anxiety?

breathe and realize that everyone is trying their best. don't immediately jump to try and eliminate the perceived source of anxiety. realize that things can wait and nothing will burn down.

• How would I like to work on distinguishing between thoughts and emotions?

• What experiences or people do I need to seek out to work on differentiation?

i don't really like this format, it feels like i'm coming up with contrived answers to fit these questions. instead of answering them directly, i'll use these questions as a general guide.

i'm afraid of abandonment. when people exit my life for one reason or another, i feel a sense of dread. this is everything from people resigning at work to breakups. i want to believe that i can be okay with people's departure from my life. not in a cold way, i am just tired of blaming myself when people leave. i'm tired of thinking i need to follow suit for fear of being left behind.